SexEdWeb.com
Talking to Your Child About Your
Morals, Sex, Sexuality and Growing Up
We want our children to have healthy and rewarding lives. And we know that teaching them about sex is very important. And we teach them whether we know it or not.
We do not want them to regret a decision or have to make decisions that they really do not have to make. Pregnancy and Sexually Transmitted Infections (STI’s) and Diseases (STD’s) are not things we would wish on children. Pregnancy should be a choice and a planned event. You are the biggest influencer in your children’s choices.
We communicate our values and morals in so many ways. There are the obvious ways of course. Our children watch how we are with them, with others, with our bosses, our spouses or significant others and life partners. But we also tell them about our personal standards and morals by how we dress and the comments we make about how others dress. More directly we comment on the level of sexuality that we think is appropriate by how we allow them to dress. We say things about fashion, make off-hand comments about hemlines, tops, bathing suits and tight jeans, smiles, eye contact, how we flirt, how and what we say, our conversations that all reflect our inner selves.
Many times, we realize there are “pitchers with big ears”. That saying came to be because it’s true and reflects that we are talking about something that whoever is or might be listening should not or is not ready to hear, (in our humble opinion, of course).
How we show interest in others, male and female, gives children a peek into our sexuality and is most incisive because they have been going to school on us since they arrived.
How often have you seen mimic responses that are ‘so cute”? We glow in that moment.
Even though we “show” them non-verbally about everything we are, deliberately deciding to talk to them about the most important subject of their sexuality seems to make the mightiest of us a wreck. So, how can we make this easy on ourselves and our children? Certainly there is a role from the schools that will benefit our children. This education is geared towards the health of the child. There are numerous web pages available that have reams of information available. In most cases, we may wish to be able to limit that access until they are 18 or gone from the house.
So that leaves you. You provide the most influence on your child. If you choose not to use that advantage, someone else will.
Yet, one of these tells your child about how YOU feel about sex, sexuality, appropriate age actions and activities or why we have such beliefs. Obviously, that is because we all see things a bit differently. Shouldn’t we prepare our children for their own decisions based upon good information, good reasoning and with some idea about our expectations of them?
They are going to be sexual beings and have been since they were born. Some experts think that sexuality begins in the womb. Whenever it started really is not as important as when you begin to make it a topic of conversation.
Sexuality is our lives. Whether we are open or closed in our ideas in that regard, we are still sexual beings – and its never too late to open up about how we feel about it.
Because it is our lives, there has to be a series of conversations. There simply is no way to have “that” conversation and never talk about it again.
Because it is our lives, we have a lifetime to learn about it. What we learn and what we share with them should match their interest level. This is often not the same as their age. There is no reason to rush the process of “enlightenment” or growing up too fast. Our children are going to do that no matter what.
There is a way to approach the subject, trying to see triggers for short talks or comments. These will give you a huge advantage in preparing you to answer age appropriately. Most times, we, as adults, don’t want to know the entire biology behind the question.
Age appropriate conversations do several things for us:
Let’s us share accurate information to our children
Gives us a chance to introduce subjects consistent with the physical and emotional growth levels
Let’s us understand the quality and purpose of the question being asked.
Let’s us think through what the limits are to various levels of conversation
Sex Ed Web is the vehicle that will guide you through the process by different levels
Let’s start with some principals to make it easier to talk with them. The key word here “with”. We spend most of our time as disciplinarians, instructors, harried spouses, hard workers and breadwinners, that the thought of creating times to talk “with” anyone is daunting. The role reversal is difficult as well as we switch between the role of rule maker, judge and enforcer to creating a conversation. A conversation, that by its purpose is tough, talks about things we might not be entirely secure about, that has to be non-judgmental and open.
No one said raising children was easy. Starting to talk with your children about sexuality in early childhood would be the best - but it’s never too late.
With everything we do, it’s hard, but;
When your child wants to ask a question, try to be available. We are not meant to be perfect and we have a life to live. If you miss the moment, let it pass. Automatically, you will be on guard for the next one. The same question will come around again, although it may be tainted with some false information from some other source like a “friend”, television or the internet.
Listen to the question. Try to be simple and honest in the answer. BUT never answer what was asked without clarifying – this starts a mini-conversation. You learn about the child and get a sense of the level of answer required. Give the answer first. Explain after
If you do not know the real answer, look it up with them. Showing this vulnerability makes you a trusted resource for them. It builds on the
Sex Ed Web will have the answer or links where you can go.
